Hi everyone. Sorry I haven't written a post in awhile. I've been so busy beeing depressed and trying to figure out all that I suffer with considering my bi-polar! I've been reasearching my "disease" and realize I has some traits of personality disorder. Plus it dosent help that I'm divorcing! For the good though. I have an awesome boyfriend now that understands my and wants to help me with anything he can. He's even read up on bi-polar. But the issue I still hide is my eating disorder. I'm about 120 and 5'5". I just don't eat I have been thinner resently. Now it bathing suit season YUCK! Yes other's tell me I look good becasue I'm "so skinny" but they don't see the fat I see. I hate food I really do. So I've been smoking alot of "wakie tabacci" But the mucnchies make me want to barf. Last time I perged was a couple of days ago. I don't drink or I'd have another excuse to barf. I just know that there are other's out there that suffer from having bi-polar and possiblity traits of personalilty disorder. I don't want to live with this for the rest of my life! It sucks, it sucks, it sucks. Why can't I be normail like so many others. I've also started working out. telling others I'm toning up but I know I would love to run and run untill I sweat every ounce of fat off of me. People think just because I'm pretty I should be happy with myself. My self image sucks! I have had so many tragic events lately that I want to binge and die! Why can't we think like others and see are bodies as temples and take care of them. My hair has been falling out in clumps. I have very long hair so no one has really noticed. I also began cutting. About a month ago I was so angry at my soon to be ex that I ment to only cut the top of my writs and I sliced it open so bad I need 9 stiches. I felt so ashamed and so dissappointed in myself and I felt like a looser. I was able to lie to the nurse and say I fell on a glass table! How f***ing stupid was that nurse. I needed help it was a cry for help and of coarse I went untreated. I even took the stiches out myself because I didn't want the doctor to see the scars I already had from that behavior. I'm venting and I'm so glad you are all here to listen. Please help this lost child with any advise. Oh yeah..eating disorders and cutting don't only effect the young, I am 35 years old and I have a beautiful body enough to be a model so I'm told. So why do I do this. I fast, I purge, but most of all I just sto eating to punish myself. I'm in a size 0 in juniors and I'm, 35!!!!!!!!!! I need some F***ing help. Yeah my Shrink says it's just a passing phase. Well were going on a year and I could of lost my life but the awful cut. My blood was all over I freaked out and said Iwould never do it again I swore! two weeks later I did it again. with a rusty rasor and I stopped eating. I am a mother of a 14 year old daughter and I don't want her to be anything like me. Please any advice any of you can give me I've tryed everything.........I guest I've just lost my way and can't find my way back. I'm afraid if I cut like that againg I will kill myself.....and my son and daughter will think I'm a failure because I can't handle life....I can't eat a burger...and I cant go without my "wakiee tabakiee". What should I do. I am sober from drinking for almost two years.......why is this beating me to death. One day it will be death.!!!!!! Love JFG.